Have "faith" in FRUSTRATION

Once, some 20 odd years ago, you were a newborn: the swell and fall of your chest dictating the quality of someone else’s life, your tiny new fingers turning everything they touched to gold. You needed help doing just about everything, drinking and burping and sleeping, that’s who you used to be. Once, all you had to do to make someone’s day was open your eyes.

Memorizing the lyrics to a song used to be an accomplishment, just like writing your name without inversing any of the letters. Tying a shoe. Walking three steps. Reciting the alphabets and rhymes. You used to be someone whose every action was worthy of photographic documentation, whose shoes were worthy of being bronzed and displayed on a mantle in a home like a Master’s degree, like a wedding portrait.

You used to believe. You believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, both of whom would slip into your home in the middle of the night and leave behind gifts you now know you didn’t deserve. You used to believe in god, or something, someone you’d talk to and beg for things like toys or for your parents to stay together, you used to beg for forgiveness. You used to believe in all of those things; you used to believe in love.

Who you used to be is someone who was fascinated by and terrified of animals, someone who has broken the tail off of a lizard, someone who recoiled their hand from a dog’s mouth.You used to sit on animals, hug them, hit them when they scratched you; you used to think they were the only ones who understood you.

You used to lie, you used to lie about stealing five dollars from your mother’s purse and about the really Important and Meaningful family heirloom you broke, you used to lie about homework and grades and it was always someone else’s fault. You used to lie when you got hurt doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing and you lied about hitting your sister, about taking a bath, about finishing dinner or your summer reading.

But never once did you lie about how you felt. You just didn’t know how. You didn’t know how to look someone in the eye and say I Don’t Love You even though you did, you didn’t know how to mask grief or shock or fear. You used to get red in the face with anger and you used to ugly cry for an audience, you used to laugh uncontrollably and you used to throw your arms around someone’s neck and never once feel like apologizing for it and of all the things that used to be, this is what you miss most.

But all of that is history. Be it academia, family issues or your love life. Its all in the past. You have come a long way since then. You’ve been sad for a long time now. 20 days, 6 months, 3 years. You know it. Your friends might know it. Your parents certainly don’t know it. Every day you wake up hoping and praying that something will change. It can’t be the weather or the location. You’ve already tried to change those but it was all done in vain. You learned that you were just as miserable when you were surrounded by palm trees as you were in a blizzard. Isn’t that a cruel joke? Ha. Ha. (Shh, no one is laughing.)

No, no, it needs to be something much bigger than that, something you’ve never experienced before, that will make you return back to normal. You’ve already tried all your usual tricks and they failed you miserably. Desperately, you rummaged through your “Things That Make Me Happy” bag and came up short. Whaaaaaaaaaat?! This has never happened before! You don’t quite understand how you could still feel so low after you ran for five miles at the gym, had the best day and climaxed around two in the morning after watching Lisa Ann do her chores.

You must need some moment of clarity, some divine intervention that will put you back on course. But, um, hello, when will that come? You’ve been waiting for months now and things just keep getting worse. Moments of clarity must not be very punctual. They like to take their sweet time, don’t they?

You know one thing for certain though. You can’t have another year like the one you just had. You honestly don’t have it in you. The fight, the will, the energy, are all gone. You just have to start resigning yourself to the fact that this is how things are and you can’t strive for anything better. Lock yourself in your room and listen to sad music in bed. Become comfortably uncomfortable. Think to yourself “This is it. My life will be like this forever. I’ll watch others pass me by and get ahead while I’m sitting on my couch watching episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.  So sad but oh well!” There’s almost a relief in giving up. You spent so long trying to fight off what was going to overtake you anyway. It feels good to finally just let it win. You want me, sadness? You got me.
Here’s when Gallons of alcohol and cartons of MARLBORO reds come in handy. God can be merciful too.

Keep the faith though. Hell and heaven are both filled with guys like you. Trust me – these are the guys who are prone to cancer and hence become more successful!

Then it happens. You have the change, the coveted moment of clarity. Maybe it arrives right after you have a fun night out or lay in bed with someone till two in the afternoon or go home to your parents for a long weekend. Whatever it is, it makes you realize that this is the realest thing that has happened to you since forever. Pathetic, right? You used to always have moments like this, moments when you felt plugged in and like an active participant in your own life. Now every moment you have just feels like a dull blade that’s poking against your skin, trying to draw blood but ultimately failing to make any kind of impact.

This acts as a jolt of electricity and brings you back to life. It reminds you of what you’re capable of having and, more importantly, what you deserve to have. It teaches you that you need to respect yourself. Your mind and body aren’t a garbage can and you have to start taking care of them. You have to be a doting parent who waters the plants.

Maturity often develops over time, but in some instances, it can quite literally happen overnight. It’s not necessarily about hitting a rock bottom. You don’t have to be crying in the middle of the day for no reason,or freebasing weed in an alleyway to realize you need to get your life together. It can happen when the bad things are still subtle, when the choppy waves are chafing against your skin but not swallowing you whole. Things don’t always have to get worse before they get better.

Who knows what your life will look like in ten years? It’s pointless to think about it. All you have to remember is that you don’t have to resign yourself to anything. You don’t have to be lying on your couch while everyone moves on without you. Instead, you can just enjoy that episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S  and leave with everyone else.