COMING CLEAN WITH THE NEXT GENERATION

Ever since we were old enough to utter our own words, we’ve been dealing with a fair amount of obfuscation about the realities of life. “Better to tell the children a nice fairy tale now,” the grown-ups thought, “and let them be horrified by the gravity of the situation when they’re older.” Its high time, we fed the next Generation with the hard hitting Truths.

1. A Mug of Beer does not make you an alcoholic.

2. If you did things the first time you were told, you’d waste a lot less of your own time.

3. Your generation will be embarrassed when you join Facebook.

4. Sunny Leone is Not an Actress.

5. Everyone feels like a dork in middle school.

6. Following Manchester City isn't cool.

7. Failure isn’t the pillar to success. Once a Failure, Always a Failure.

8. You can’t be anything you want to be.

9. It’s not my fault you’re bored.

10. I let you win at chess.

11. School and College are not equivalent.

12. Being a Twenty Something doesn’t make us very Old. We are still young!

13. Top Ramen, at 5-10rupees, is vastly underrated as a food group and is an appropriate meal any time of day; breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

14. Alcohol doesn’t taste bad. It becomes a necessity later onwards.

15. There is NO such thing as a Participation Trophy. If you are not in a Podium Finish, you are a Loser.

16. JK Rowling is a woman and Sidney Sheldon is a Man.

17. Pro wrestling/WWE is fake.

18. It is not a fun game to see how angry you can make each other.

19. Money ACTUALLY doesn’t grow on trees.

20. A belt will keep your pants up.

21. A naptime isn’t a punishment; not an unnecessary activity whose only purpose is to prevent you from playing outside with your friends or watching more television. Naptime is the BEST time, and should be taken advantage of at every possible occasion.

22. Your Education doesn’t just end at your 12^th grade. It’s just getting started.

23. Kissing and Intercourse are totally different things.

24. Sucking up to your superior helps.

25. Your parents don’t always have all the answers to the questions of the universe. Shock of all shocks, your parents are people just like you. Sometimes they know what’s best, sometimes they don’t (sometimes You’ll listen, sometimes You won’t).

26. Not all of you’re going to grow up and find your very own Prince Charming/Princess Sexy to marry.

27. Super Contra is the coolest Video Game ever.

28. When watching a movie you’ve seen but I haven’t, there’s this thing called a “spoiler alert.”

29. Lady Gaga is not a lady. She is something else.

30. Justin Bieber and Falguni Pathak aren’t Rockstars.

31. Your mother is the most important person in the world.

32. There’s a difference between someone being nice and someone being rich.

33. Ten minutes of spelling homework is not “a ton”.

34. “Sucks” is a useless word. It doesn’t describe anything.

35. Your life does not suck. Wait until you turn 23.

36. Social Networking & Having a I-Phone can’t be listed in your resume!

37. There are 151 Pokémon. Period.

38. You never get to chase your own dreams. You ALWAYS end up chasing someone else’s.

39. Your friends will change.

40. So will your beliefs and you.

I guess, as a kid, I used to believe that my beliefs would never change. Now that I’m almost turning into an uncle(A kid literally addressed me as such!), I believe they’ll never stop changing. And I believe that’s what growing up is all about. Happy New Year.

BBSR MUTE CANDLE MARCH : AS IT HAPPENED.

There’s no such thing as an event going smoothly as planned. A trouble-free event is fast becoming a myth. After countless meetings with the volunteers, the day arrived.

4:20 – A raging Ankita calls me up – “ I told you to be punctual ! Its 4:30 nearly and no-one is here yet!”
The same Ankita who came up with the lines “Girls – Neither safe in wombs nor in streets”.
4:45 - The Police Permit issue was turning into a real head scratcher. Pratik, Aditya,Sanket Bhai, Ranjan, Sworoop and me were all over BBSR, hunting down commissionerate offices.
5:15 – The rally is about to begin and the crowd management team led by Anurag & Sidhant were doing an excellent job.
5:40 – The Mute March starts, led beautifully by Smita didi, just as we arrive with the Police Permit License. Phew !!

6:30 – Reached Master Canteen. Goutam, Anuvav , Sayan and co working furiously to distribute all leaflets that had a clear message to spread awareness with Amresh & Ajay providing water.
The contents of the leaflets in summary – WHAT CAN A GIRL DO -
# Don’t let rape become a taboo at home. Open up to your parents & have discussions regarding rapes. Awareness, Alertness & Education is the only way we can defeat this.
# Keep a pepper spray handy. Available at all chemists. Costs around 300. Can save lives.
# Stay alert while travelling in autos & buses. Inform your family & friends beforehand whilst travelling.
# Have the police helpline 100 as a speed dial contact.

 6:50 – There was a power cut along the PMG line. You can make out all the candle-shining-in-dark stuff.
7:10 – Candles were planted and the banner was signed by all participants.
7:30 – A 2 minute mourning & last message from Sanket Mishra.
7:40 – Autos were arranged for return-transport.

The world may not have ended, as many had predicted on 21^st Dec, but the humanity sure is on the path of destruction.

And how this will march help? No it won’t stop rapes, because there are people who still don’t believe rapes can be stopped. Some are just a part of a large group of people,  that just can’t think of anything to do, so they rant and shout. Please next time someone is getting abused in front of you, take a stand. And maybe then we will believe you. Until then, let people believe in things. To all those non-believers, I truly believe that if we had met in a different place, at a different place, under different circumstances you’d still be an asshole.

Like Sanket Mishra said, “We are saying we have been made mute. And yes, the hope is that this muteness is not something we are happy with. And yes, your reaction is exactly what we want from people once the mute rally is over. Once the rally is over, the actual work begins. We want to spread the awareness of what women, can do to break out of the mute pain!”

Rapes & Mugging incidents are fast becoming some sort of a trend here at Bhubaneswar as well. It’s high time we gave a fuck. I know these rapists are pure evil.  But here’s a message to all those who just keep on ranting non-believers – You guys should have been just a blowjob, let alone being born. Its guys like you, that should remind people to take birth controls and use condoms. If you’re not going to get off of your lazy ass & fix a problem, then shut the fuck up and get over it.

We all have personal issues that trouble us in our daily life. But it was really over-whelming when 400 people turned up to join hands with us, leaving all their personal troubles at home. Guys like Smikash and his friends had even turned up from Cuttack. This is just the beginning. We are working hard for newer ideas and intend to implement them as quickly as possible.

The job isn’t done here. This rally is just a baby step. Spread awareness and stay safe. We are here to help. Cheers.

Being a Chandler Bing fan, I am urged to finish this amateurish piece (written in 20mins) on a comic note.
“Whoever had predicted the world to end on 21^st December, had gotten it wrong. The world is supposed to end on 21.12.2112. Getting the pattern? We still have a 100 years !"

VSSUT FIREND PROFILE : SUSHREE "AAILAA" NAYAK

I am still in search for words. She’s icy cool, has a boyish(dunno if gorgeous) hairdo, stunning face, great sense of humour , which as any MALE knows, is ideal. Anyone NOT liking her is blind and the worst. Sachin is her pet name. In interviews, she’s candid and smart and cool and more cool and even more cool. In 2011, she was featured in the annual TIME magazine-100 influential people. AskGIRL named her the most desirable woman of 2011. KIRBA named her one of 2012 Most Beautiful at her Age. Now that ought to be something right ? Too good to be true ?
Location: Rourkela. (No comments there.)
Age: 21
Tags: Nataunki, Sachin, Female Gunda, Vella-pan Ustaad.

No, she is not Sushree. But almost a look-alike.

Name: Sushree Nayak

Occupation: Still a student. GET at TCS. Potential candidate for MICROSOFT. More commonly known as Sachin for her badly potrayed mimicry of Sachin Tendulkar in our 1st yr welcome; and the name just stuck on. Infinite bindaas factor, Not a Blonde bombshell, Rourkela-Vella enthusiast, somehow simultaneously single and adorable.

Description: The future face of All India Powerful Ladies Sangatthan. A gur like stance, she isn’t someone who walks into a room bringing it into a standstill with her looks. No. She is someone who walks into a room and WILL definitely bring the room into a standstill with her rickshaw-walahwalk and personality. The girl who had several boys and girls both going nuts after her. She made Sachin Tendulkar ditch the 20-20 format. Do you want more? There is practically no male outfit available on Planet Earth that won’t go with her.

Benefits of being Friends with her: You get to have chats with THE Sushree Nayak. Free aloo paranthas at Canteen. (Conditions Apply) Beyond the superficial, she just seems like the coolest person. She flails around, is quick with jokes, doesn’t censor herself and just is a “real dude” to hang out with instead of a typical VSSUT starlet. If you married her, she’d be an awesome person to hang out with for the rest of your life. It’d be a chill, hilarious marriage. Plus you'd get to watch all the Hrithik Roshan movies. Ohh, did i not mention ? She has watched Koi Mil Gya and Mein Prem Ki Deewani Hun a record 37 times.
Has contacts with Bullu bhai. She can get you any information regarding any hot chick.

Drawbacks: She’s got too many powerful men and WOMEN lusting for her — and sometime during your friendship, your life may be in danger. 10 proposals from girls and 6 from boys in her until-now-career shows that she wont be stopping. You won’t ever catch her on her cell-phone. VIP style. Oh, she is injury prone as well. Short hair.
Oh, if you are guy reading this, she just might borrow your shirts and never return them.

To Date her You Must Be: What you aren’t yet : RICH & FAMOUS & SEXY.
Having a Medical Degree might help.
A doppleganger of Hrithik Roshan may go a long way.
Best: - Buy a Rickshaw and she is yours.
The Dowry She Brings:  The entire female population of Rourkela and infinite jealousy from numerous people. And 100 packets of Kirba Jannat Chowmein.

To sum it up and in all seriousness, she is a great friend to have. Someone who never texts, and never pings you first.
She is the coolest of all and one of my few best friends. Someone who always has your back. Yes she makes pain-in-the-ass fun of me, but she is worth everything. Everything you can ask for in a friend.

Okay, all fun aside, this segment is all about my besties from college. Sushree will soon be followed by Abhisek, Vibhanshu, Deepanjan, Saberi , Srusti and more. Not meant for narrow minded people.

LIFE'S LEAST TREASURED PLEASURES

Fast Internet Download. When a webpage, you clicked on earlier opens up fast. Or your favourite song gets downloaded real quick.

The scrumptious residue left on your fingers after eating pizza or Cheetos products. Also finding an extra chip in your packet which you didn’t expect.

Completing a form on the internet without missing a required field, on the first attempt.

The smell of rain and wet grass.

Lying in bed with freshly-washed sheets.

Getting cutoff by an overanxious driver, then pulling up right next to them moments later at a red light.

Having the exact change to pay for something.

Sticking that leg out from underneath the blanket and feeling just right.

Happy hour at bars and restaurants.

Movie previews full of trailers you’ve never seen.

Removing all of the shell off of a boiled egg in one try.

The moment when you get invited to treat or a party.

The moment you find extra charge in your cell battery when there’s a powercut.

Dancing in the car/bus and reciting entire songs, making noises to recreate instrument solos.

That first intense body stretch after waking up.

A beer hangout with your old pals.

Making babies and little kids laugh.

Correctly choosing the quickest check-out line at the grocery store, or the fastest moving lane on the road.

A hug. A confident, warm, reassuring, full hug from your best buddy.

Getting wrapped snugly in blankets when it’s freezing cold.

Spontaneous adventures. Plans are good; spur of the moment is better.

Waking up, checking the clock and seeing that you have plenty of sleep time left.

Laughing at something so hard that you cry. Or, laughing so hard that no noise comes out. If one of these two things happen, you’re having a ball.

Touching your parent’s feet for blessings.

Talking in a fake accent. e.g. ‘Ello luff = Hello, love. Or trying a sambalpuri version – “Henta hesii”

You get out of your refreshing cool shower on a hot day and apply cool deodorant on your torso. The feeling is heavenly.

When plans you didn’t want to attend get canceled.

Finding money you didn’t know you had in your pocket.

The anticipation and hype on days before a big vacation or trip somewhere.

Finding an empty bathroom, just when you have to take a leak/poo .

Catching a song you enjoy on the radio, right as it starts.

The delicious combo of Butter-Chicken Masala with Butter-Naan. (With lemon-salt-onion-chilli)

Waking up, feeling extremely thirsty, and having water nearby to quench it.

The other side of the pillow.

The relief of taking your underwear off after a long day of wearing it.

The relief of taking your shoes and socks off, after a long day of wearing them. (This I can relate to.)

Opening presents. The gift doesn’t necessarily have to be amazing but tearing off the paper in anticipation is 75% of the pleasure.

The bond shared by two people over a mutual disdain for another individual.

When someone compliments you. “Mast lag raha/rahi be”.

The smell of kerosene, petrol and all other gasoline.

The smell of new books.

Making a witty comment that draws a lot of laughs and even surprises you.
Asking a question on Google and seeing it finish your words, meaning there are others out there wondering the same thing as you.

Doing something for hours, then returning to a phone full of text messages and missed calls.

Free Coupons or Free Tickets for anything.

Late night/early morning conversations with good friends.

CAN I GET TO KNOW YOU MORE ?

 WARNING : CUPID POST AHEAD

 “I’ve been watching your world from afar, I’ve been trying to be where you are;
 And I’ve been secretly falling apart, unseen. To me, you are strange and beautiful;
 You’d be so perfect with me but you just can’t see, You turn every head but you don’t see me.
I’ll put a spell on you, You’ll fall asleep and when I wake you, I’ll be the first thing you see
And you’ll realize that you love me.”       - AQUALUNG

I want to know you. And why is that? You seem like someone worth knowing. Every day I feel like I’m surrounded by people with hard edges and sour faces but I get the sense that you’re different. Too often people seem to think that they have the answers to everything. Their faces are trapped in hypocrism and they can’t be bothered with anything besides their own narcissism. You aren’t like that. You ask questions. You’re still looking for the answers. You are perfectly sane.

I want to act as a coolant to your exhaustive list of things that trigger your anxiety. People with dirty hearts make me feel dirty. Like I need to give my personality a bath or something. But with you rub it clean of my neuroses and judgments. When someone inspires you to take a long hard look at yourself and question all of your bad habits, they’re someone worth keeping around. It’s all about finding that person who’s able to hold up a mirror to your life and cause you to reevaluate the noise. It’s all about wanting to be a better man.

I know you’ll surprise me. I know you’ll take a right turn when I’m convinced you’ll take a left. All of this may seem arbitrary (why does it even matter if you take a right instead of a left?) but it provides me with a giant sense of relief.

I want to know your favorite dishes. The ones which we will savour with a fight to see who finishes it first. You like mangoes? (The “Baiganpalei ones”). I want to know how your weekend was (I never want to know these types of things but you’re the exception to all my rules) and I want to know how you got that scar on your knee (biking accident when you were twelve?) Tell me more! This story seems more riveting than The Game of Thrones! (Yes, Anurag, I will watch it) Oh, you don’t have a scar? See, I want to know you better.

I want to know about your mom and dad (Will they like me? No matter! We’ll start our own family!) I want to protect you. I want to preserve your innocence and drink it up for myself. You learn from me and I’ll learn from you. Deal?

You’ll open me up like an orange, leaving a mess of pulp and sticky peels everywhere. Certain parts of my personality will be extracted and I’ll find myself feeling stuff I never knew was possible. It’s strange to think how many things we’re capable of without really knowing it until we have a proper catalyst — something or someone to bring it to the surface. Dig, dig, dig. No, you might need to dig a little deeper. I have a lot of crap sticking on top of the good stuff. Like a coconut. You like them, don’t you?

I choose not to act on my feelings. Not yet. For I want to be the fellow who will be there for you in every hour of every day starting today. Regardless of whether you want it or not.  A back up best friend. I am prepared to take the hit. You can do anything you like. But in order for all of this to work though, you have to let me know you. You have to let me cut you open and trust that I won’t accidentally hit a soft nerve. You have to try to accept me for my shortcomings and understand that you’re a better person than I am. I’m a little rotten. Please don’t let that deter you though. Because when I look at you, I see someone who makes sense. I see an anomaly — someone who’s untouched by all of the modern inventions and hang ups. I see someone I want to know. I see someone who will take a long walk with me on the road, barefoot rather than sitting behind on a two wheeler. Someone special, with a knack for playing guitar ;)

ASS-LICKERS & OTHER TOXIC FRIENDS

A friend to everybody and to nobody is the same thing. Now being someone’s friend doesn’t seem like a difficult job. How hard is to treat someone you like with respect and, you know, be there for them? Uphill task, ain’t it?
I guess it’s really hard. People fail at it every day, every week aNd every year! Bad friends are easier to find than good friends these days. Cool!

If you’re sitting there and wondering if you are, in fact, a bad friend, or have such friends, let me define it for you.

A bad friend is worse than your mortal enemy, worse than your arch-rival. They win your loyalty, gain your trust and then give you the middle finger without actually showing the finger. A friend is someone whose jealousies and insecurities outweigh their love for someone. Deep down, they might want to be a good friend and care but they’re too messed up in their own head to ever actually do it. Instead, they act paranoid and possessive, saying things like, “This is MY best friend. I’m super close with them!” This type of person can also be an unattractive mix of territorial and paranoid. They wonder if their friends are hanging out without them or if they’re being forgotten and left behind. People who are violently insecure don’t have what it takes to be a quality friend. Well, maybe not, but their own issues and neuroses get in the way.

A bad friend is someone who always has a secret bad eye for you, someone who feels the need to undercut what you’re saying and take little jabs. Of course, with close friends, it’s always fine to take jabs at each other but you know whether or not it’s coming from a good place. Putting your friend down often isn’t “Ha, ha ha.” It’s more like, “Ew, with friends like you, who needs enemies?!

Bad friends are narcissistic, copy cats and self-obsessed. They look for any opportunity to bring the conversation back to them. Worse, they might not even be aware that they’re doing it. In their mind, they might think they are the best friend ever, which is truly frightening and equally irritating.

Bad friends are fair-weathered. They are TOXIC. They’re by your side when you’re fun and you have something to give them but as soon as you’re going through a difficult time, they are conveniently MIA. Everything they do is self-serving. They wince when you tell them good news. They say they’re happy for you but deep down they’re devastated that you’ve eclipsed them in some area of life. They’re not your cheerleader, they’re your detractor. You’re allowed to move up in the world when they do. Screw Global Warming, this condition is far more fatal and venomous.

And Ass- Lickers. Whoa ! Well, where do I start ? Once their job is done, screw you, goodbye. If you find yourself relating to a lot of these or feel like you have a friend who has these same characteristics, dump their asses and send them to Bad Friend jail immediately. Life is hard enough without you having to wonder if you have good people around you. Your friends are supposed to be the solution to your problems, not the source.

Ask yourself, “Is this person worth it? Do they treat me like crap or what?” And if you have your doubts, chances are they aren’t meant to be a part of your tribe. Toxic friendships do nothing but drag you down.

My point is that you have to take care of yourself and stop hanging out with such douchebags. Only surround yourself with people who bring out the best qualities in you. If you don’t like the way you act when you’re around someone, maybe you should reconsider being around them. Don’t shy away if you are a poor judge of character. You aren’t better than Marcus Brutus; you will learn.

It’s time to build your second family. The ones who will help you grocery shopping. Pick out your wedding clothes, help name your babies and make you their business partners. The friends you have now will likely be the ones you have forever, so you might as well make sure they’re worth it ! You are young and hopeless. You might as well make some pals for life.

P.S : Some of you aren’t gonna be in my friend list, starting next week. Cheers.

R.A.K.H.I

Over the years, the ethos of Raksha Bandhan has been changing. From a festival that celebrates the brother-sister relationship, it has morphed into something extravagantly bizarre.

Rakhi is celebrated by a girl (sister), tying a holy thread around her brother’s wrist and the later vowing to protect her from any harm. If the sister is older, it is SHE who protects the brother. Personally I think it is one of those few festivals that treat women as empowered beings.

When we were children, the festival meant a really gaudy, a showy rakhi. Mothers would buy their sons and daughters both chocolates, to avoid any fights in between them on who would get the better gift. And as sisters tend to grow up more quickly, they tend to demand ‘cash’ rather than a molecule shaped gift.

In school, Rakhi would be categorized into 3 categories.
CATEGORY 1 : Around 6-7^th grade students, (For Boys mostly) this was the day to prove everyone you were a hero. Let me put it this way, the more the number of rakhis on your wrist, the more popular you are among girls and hence in school.
Boys would flaunt 15-50 rakhis on their arms as if it were some kind of a latest gadget that others didn’t possess.
Impressively enough, I came under this category.

CATEGORY 2:  9^th Grade onwards.
It wasn’t time for academics anymore. Puberty had finally kicked in. Girls were too hot suddenly. The word ‘Pretty’ had a whole another meaning now. You get to notice the short skirts, loosely hung socks and ofcourse- THE CURVES. And boys used to dread this day. No one wanted his crush to tie a rakhi on his wrist, and over a single piece of thread, change his status from possible suitor to adopted brother. While I have witnessed boys running away when a rather pretty girl approached them with a rakhi; I unfortunately seemed everyone’s favourite choice for – Adopted brother.
CATEGORY 2 – CHECK.

CATEGORY 3:  Rejection had a whole new meaning. If a pretty girl didn’t like boy who had earlier proposed to her, Rakhi was the answer to her problem.
“I love you, Will you be my girlfriend?
Err, No. How about I tie you a Rakhi and you become my brother for life.”
So boys and their object(s) of desire would ‘become’ brother & sister, tied by a string; she would expect a ‘gift’ from him and he would have wet dreams at night.
CATEGORY 3 - No comments.

But we grow up eventually. The bond of a brother-sister is much much more than that of a showy- Rakhi. Its everlasting. Having a sister is kinda like having your mother and annoying best friend in one form. She loves you with all her heart, cares about you and has always your back.

Its Raksha-Bandhan today and I am bored. Happy Rakhi everyone. Its been ages since I have been with my sister on this festival. Most of the times, she has forgotten to send me a rakhi and I have been upset. And yet, I miss her the most this year. I didn’t get to pull her hair. Mess with her homework, interfere in just about every matter. Didn’t even get to spy on her or beat the guys who messed with her. Didn’t get to plan her wedding either or anything.
Oh, didn’t I mention that I don’t have a sister? My bad. No siblings. That’s the biggest curse of being a single son, I guess.
I have cousins, but eh, well, NOT THE REAL DEAL.

So are you still frowning over the fact that your sister is with a loser boyfriend? Or is your annoying brother just about messing your already messed up life? Think about it.
Well, don’t. Enjoy Raksha-Bandhan with a warm hug and a box of chocolates.


P.S - The cover pic may be a tad misleading. BTW, she is RAKHI sawant.
(The idea, theme and title is heavily inspired from Jhoomur Bose- My mentor)

A LETTER TO BATMAN'S GIRLFRIEND

The verdict is out. Did you hear that? You feel me? Visiting hours are over. Your exclusive membership to my mind and body has been revoked. Your access to my without-you-better-life is terminated. Now go home with your tail between your legs because you don’t get to contact me anymore. Forget getting back together as well. In fact, you lost that right some time ago. I used to be open 24/7 like some kind of a pharmacy, but that was before everything bad that ever happened and now I’m just closed up for good. Yeah, the truth can be a tad bittersweet.

Remember when I let you touch me? Remember when you owned stock in my heart? At a certain point, it felt like my body was more yours than it was even mine. You could do anything you wanted to me. Isn’t that an amazing feeling? Knowing that someone trusts you so completely you have free rein over them? When you have this power, you’re not supposed to abuse it. You’re supposed to always have their best interests at heart and protect your investment. You shouldn’t trade your stock! Hold onto it, watch it grow in value. You don’t go around gambling after you have won a lottery, you spend it wisely.

Right. Why doesn’t it ever work out this way? Why do the people who are supposed to protect you often end up leaving you for dead? Funny isn’t it? The ones who promised to protect you from all harm become the weapon themselves? The weapon with double sided sharp edges.
The Great Depression. The stock market’s terrible right now because of you. People are losing their homes because of your wandering eye.

There was a time when I accepted everything you said as truth. No questions asked. Why would I? Had you ever given me reason to doubt you? Your presence was always met with blazing fireworks, vulnerability and openness. I had no control over it. Whenever you would appear, I’d just open up for you. Do you even know how special that is? Why would you ever screw up such a good gig? Take a moment, Take a bow.

You used to have all of me and now you have nothing. Not a damn thing. Not even a dirty fingernail. You could touch my neck/ my butt/ my ear/ my bellybutton whenever you wanted. You could’ve cried to me on my shoulder and I would’ve been like, “OMG Hon! What’s wrong? Tell me more!” Everything to nothing in a single moment. All-acesss pass to blacklisted. From unguarded intimacy to being a stranger. Surprised?

I had everything a woman could ask for. Toys of all kinds, a sea of money and a heart oozing love. I even had a butler for crying out loud. I went and became a hero for your sake. Did everything you could ever ask for. But no, you settled for Mr. ‘TWO FACE’d bastard. See, serves you right. The worst part is that you ARE surprised. “I don’t even get a finger-nail? After all we’ve been through together?” Um, no. And the fact that you’re surprised, the fact that you think everything somehow could be okay, makes me more unrelenting in my stance against you, against us. The only power you’ve left with me is the power to reject you. And I’m sure as hell not going to let that one go to waste. Don’t mean to sound villainish, but I could pay a thousand bucks to see you cry. Don’t worry about me babe, I will meet someone more hotter, more prettier and more passionate. Someone like the Catwoman. Someone like Anna Hathaway. You go and watch some Bollywood flick with your guy. Maybe Cocktail or Tashan. So should I sign off with a “Piss off somewhere else” ?

                                                                                                                                Your's sincerely
                                                                                                                                  Bruce Wayne

WHEN YOUR PARENTS WANT TO KNOW YOUR CGPA

Pretend you didn’t hear. Pretend again. Pretend until you are kicked in the shin.

Screech in horror.

Talk about your other career accomplishments and how you’re “too busy” to achieving your dreams/hobbies.

If they are questioning you over the phone, make static-y and police siren noises into the phone and tell them you’re going into a tunnel. Then, hang up.

Stare at them. Borrow your dad’s cigar. Light it. Take in a puff or two. Declare the results only after watching Breaking Dawn.

Say you’re waiting for the CID series on Sony to end. Sing lines from Wiz Khalifa’s  “Black & Yellow.”

Send them a copy of your mark-sheet via e-mail but when they open it, it’s a TROLL pic of CID fame.

Put a top hat and do a moonwalk. Slowly whilst doing it, get out of the house.

Get a tattoo of the words “#7.SOMETHING” on your forearm — and when they ask, roll up your sleeves.

Condescendingly tell them you’re continuing to score 7  as part of living performance art, commenting on the societal pressure to always look cool. 8 and 9 ptrs are such geeks !

Flip the table. Storm out.

Proclaim you have two girlfriends named Sunny and Julia. Blame it all on them.

Transform into a bat and flap away into the night.

Bellow, “I am gay”. It surely has to be more important than your grades. I mean, we are talking about stopping the expansion of your family. Ever. A great way to come outta your closet.

Reverse the guilt. Be like, “You created me. You saw my childhood. You know what’s up over here. What do you think?”

Maintain uncomfortable eye contact.

Throw glitter in the air and prance away.

Sculpt a score out of delicious foods in front of their eyes.

Bring home your roommate who scored the half of you. Let him talk to your parents. When they freak out, remind them that you scoring 7 isn’t so bad.

Spray them with mace.

Deviate the topic into a classy uncomfortable coming of age-sex related-query filled conversation.

Promise them you will score a decent 8, as soon as you find out how Justin Beiber managed to beat Falguni Pathak. (Rockstar wise)

Crouch down and cover your head with your hands like during an elementary school tornado drill.

Toss a smoke bomb on the floor to blind them and disappear into a trap door.

Go into a frenzy – “Am I adopted?”. Trust me, this is the best time to ask this question.

However if you are a girl and have scored bad,(Highly unlikely) you can always come up with – “I am pregnant”.

Throw yourself through a glass window, because it’ll distract them and probably be less painful than answering that question. 

I NEED A WOMAN

I am a normal person. I have never starved for food. Never struggled for anything. Never slept on the footpath/railway station.
My parents aren’t divorced. They are still alive, very much happily working on their marriage. Unlike Chandler Bing, my mom isn’t an adult novel writer nor is my dad-gay.
I wasn't sexually harassed or molested in my childhood days. I am not adopted. Nor was I conceived in a test tube. I wasn’t a medical marvel either. I had a safe birth. I am my parent’s only biological child. I had a safe puberty. I never got into any kind of street brawls nor was I ever beaten up by anyone.
Never met with an career-ending accident nor had a life threatening disease. I don’t have cancer like SRK had in Kal Ho Na Ho, nor have any other kind of sympathetic tumour. I eat a banana only after peeling its skin off. I pay a visit to Naughty America on a semi-regular basis. Every time I see a woman, my eyes wander to her assets first. I haven’t watched all the movies, listened to the songs, read all those books which I claimed to have seen, listened or read.

So basically all I am saying is, I have had a normal, straight from the text-book life until now.
Abnormally normal. I eat sane things, shop from the same over-priced shops. Relationships/Marriages are not made on orgasms; but break, due to lack of them. So I masturbate on a cannot-disclose basis.
So how come a good person like me gets screwed all the time? Don’t I deserve out-of-the-blue good things? Don’t I deserve a girl/woman (Hot one) who finally reciprocates my love ? The one who will climax at the same time? The one who will watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S with me? One who doesn’t kisses a frog and waits for it to turn into a Prince, because she will rather kiss me. 

I may not be as cute as these guys. But consider me as a bit of both – A cross, if you will.

So, how come a decent/Ok-Ok types looking/ guy like me is a victim of bad experiences ?
Before I go declaring publicly, that I need someone who has the free license to touch my genitalia, take a look at this survey.

#Total Population : 6,975,486,910 (I know, I know -- that’s a huge number, right? Included in this number are more women that you can possibly handle in one lifetime.)
#Total number of women: 3,435,871,042
#Women who are active online: 1,037,633,054 ( Digital Age Lovestories)
#Women who are on Facebook: 145,367,749 (You can’t really date a woman using Blogspot, now can you?)
#Women who are active on Facebook: 33,723,074
#Women aged between 18 to 34: 15,500,056 (Below 18 is illegal territory and over 34 is, well — stuff on which romcoms about middle aged people are made. Plus, women in their 30s are more sexier. #Fact)
#Women who are single: 7,275,235
(Women in this age bracket are rarely single, and even if they are — your chances are more often than not nullified by the usual defensive disposition: “I have a boyfriend.” Which is just a polite way of saying that she’s not into you.)
#Subtracting benefit of doubts: 275325
#Women who are willing to cast their eye on you(Most probably): 5

         So, you see, it’s a pretty tough job. Locating potential spouses and pataoing them. I am tired of searching and tired of my past failures with women. I have devised a method, where everyone wins.

After much thinking, I have decided to allow women at large to apply to be my girlfriend. There are quite a few reasons why I’m going this way instead of the usual become-friends-start-flirting-then-get-drunk-and-have-sex-then-become-a-couple-to-avoid-awkwardness routine. I’m not going to dilute my awesomeness by telling you why you need to apply either. Ladies, if you’re here, you know you want to. Okay, now that the pleasantries are out-of-the-way, let’s get down to business.

#    Open a Word 2010 document

#    Enter your name, phone number, date of birth (please attach birth certificate as required), and place of birth

#    List down your previous relationships in reverse chronological order

#    Include a page which lists your financial standing, including assets, liabilities, liquid cash, and future   earning potential

#   Write a 500 word essay on why you are a potential candidate

#   Make sure the design and formatting of the document is clean, appealing and minimalistic

#   Send said document (duly filled) to my e-mail address listed in my home page, expect delays for I’ll obviously be overloaded by the sheer number of applications.
#  If your body description states 30B, or less, LEAVE THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY.
(Even Ricky Ponting had declared in his ads – “Bada he, toh behtar he”)
#  Send in your photographs attached to the documents. With your best looking attire. No push-up Bras please. Its like a bag of chips : You open it and its half empty. So original photos with no Photoshop work.

    So there you have it, may the best woman win. Will be replying to your mails soon.

P.S - Post your Comments here

ME & BHAJJI

There’s something about Harbhajan Singh. Whether he’s dressing up in ugly jeans, making up fake doctorate degrees, slapping and kicking colleagues or just acting really weird and high, he manages to keep the public interested in whatever he’s doing. More than just an overhyped-player/Under-average student/Fashion-disaster/Wanabe-artist, ‘Bhajji’ has become famous for being Bhajji–a refreshing and necessary presence in today’s culture. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s super bindaas. It’s a known fact that turbaned bindaas people can get away with anything they want.

I was supposed to interview Harbhajan alongside Sreesanth/Symonds; but both of them had a bad stomach.
I entered his verandah where he is usually found eating puffed rice. But I was pleasantly surprised to see him naked doing yoga, with a Baba Ramdev DVD playing on television.

Me:  Hi Harbhajan. Thanks for meeting me.
Harbhajan Singh:  Sir.

Me:   Sorry ?
H.S : (Wrapping a towel around his waist); Sir Harbhajan, to you.

Me:  Err. Okay. Can I call you Bhajji ?H.S:  Saale, Bhya@#$^&*. Do I look like a fried dish to you ??!!

Me:  Okay, but others do call you the same. Anyways, can we get started ?
H.S :  Sure. Let me grab a beer. Btw, The nickname 'Turbanator' is cool. Makes me feel grand.

Me:  Why did you choose your career in Cricket?
H.S:  To lose my virginity.

Me:  (Dumbfounded), What ?!!
H.S:  Oh come on. I could never have trapped a hottie like Geeta Basra with conventional methods. Thanks to cricket, I am a celebrity. And I have sex every now and then. Wham-Bam, Thank you Ma’am.

Me:  Oh yeah, Geeta. She has quite a history with Emraan, with all those steamy-nude-kissing scenes. Doesn’t it bother you ?
H.S:  Hey Dickhead, if you get a chance to marry Angelina Jolie, wont you do it ? Or will you ask the same question to yourself ?

Me:  Fair enough. Now lets talk about that Symonds fiasco. Why and how did all that happen ?
H.S:  It just got blown out of proportion really. As a matter of fact, he and I are Chaddi-Buddies. We both are in Mumbai Indians now, we get along really well. Infact, we played Snake & Ladder yesterday. I let him win. :)

Me:  But why did all that racism incident happen ?
H.S:  You see, we were fooling around each other one day. He happened to ask me the Hindi version of “Dick”. Instantly, I spat out “Laura”. Was it my fault that his Swedish Girlfriend’s name was also Laura ?
One thing led to another and the rest is history.

Me: Hmmm. Now what about that Sreesanth slapping episode ?
H.S: Arrey yaar, that was nothing. The kid had sent a Non-veg joke to Nita Ambani, starring me.
And Nita had forwarded that same message to me as well. It was true yet insulting.

Me:  The one with Sania Mirza in it ?
H.S:  (Bewildered), Yes !! How did you know about that ?

Me:  Nevermind. It was heard that you were supposed to do a show called “Jhalak Dikhlaja”. But you were seen outside the “Movers & Shakers” studio ?
H.S:  Yes. Both true. The Jhalak people had already signed that nigger son-of-an-aunty (The word “Bitch” has been replaced here) Jayasuriya. And I was to be on Movers & Shakers. But the steroid guy-Shekhar, had invited his own son to his show. Kya bakhchodi he. God bless them.

Me: You lead the Mumbai Indians to 2011 Champions League 20-20 title, but fell out of favor with the national selectors. You were chosen in the squad against West Indies and were excluded from the Australian tour as well. Mumbai Indians won their first ever championship under your captaincy. MI won Champions league by 31 runs. You were adjudged ‘man of the match’ for your contribution as well. But didnt feature in the national team.
Why this Kolaveri ?
H.S: The Board is to blame here. All of this happened because I didn’t follow them on Twitter. But they didn’t like any of my Facebook Profile pictures either !!

Me:  (Smirking) Cant blame them for this. By the way, you are the second-highest wickest taker in Tests as an Off-Spinner, behind Muttiah Muralitharan and are famous for “Doosra”. You are/were/are also the captain of Mumbai Indians. Do you wish to captain the Indian team as well ?
H.S: I don’t like this question.

Me:  Any compliments from anyone, you will never forget ?
H.S:  I am still waiting for it. By God's grace Archana Puran Singh texts me on a weekly basis. So I am content.

Me:  You have been particularly successful against Australian batsman Ricky Ponting, taking his wicket on ten occasions in Test cricket. Your say on this ?
H.S : We have an understanding. I had voted for him whilst he was a presidential candidate for Australia.

Me: Vote! You-an Indian ?! And Ricky- President ?!
H.S: Hey, Justin Bieber is a rockstar; I voted Ricky. It’s a whacky world.

Me: Thank you Mr.Singh for your time. Anything you would like to say to our readers ?
H.S: Yes. I would like to send out a message to the people out there. Please stop googling “Geeta Basra- HOT/NUDE/SEX/KISS”. It is really embarrassing. And follow me on twitter to know more about my twirly chest hair. SAT-SRIYAKAL

AWESOME 20's

What we learn in our twenties:

1.       Your luck is like your morning potty. It’s down in the gutter.

2.       The rumors are true: your metabolism does slow down as you get older! That means if you’re still eating whatever you want, there’s a good chance you’ll start to gain an awkward amount of weight. It won’t be too drastic but your clothes will start to hang differently on your body and you’ll feel an overall feeling of unattractiveness. Now, haven’t you heard that before ?

3.       You’re going to lose touch with a lot of your friends. With some people, it will be expected but with others it will feel like a punch to the stomach (Read: Balls). No friendship is truly safe in your twenties. You’re undergoing so many personal and professional changes that there’s bound to be some casualties along the way. Don’t worry though. You’ll end up with the ones that matter. If someone’s no longer in your life, it’s for a reason.

4.       You’ll be jealous of everyone who’s more successful than you. That’s okay. It’s mundane.

5.       You’ll question every decision you make and never feel completely certain that you made the right choice. It’s pointless to wonder though. You’re here now so you might as well make it be the right decision.

6.       You’re going to give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it. Then, one day you’ll come to your senses and ask them to give it back.

7.       You’ll see your parents get older. You’ll come home during weekends and festivals and see new wrinkles developing on their faces. One day it’ll just hit you that your parents are old and going to die. There’s nothing you can do about it, besides treat them with kindness and visit as much as your budget and time permits.

8.      You’ll find yourself in an environment filled with people who make you feel like you’re nothing. Appreciation will be sorely missed.

9.       Doing drugs is fun until it’s not, until it starts affecting your life in negative ways and leaves you feeling guilty and wrecked.

10.   You’ll know how to make 200rs last an entire week because you spent almost all of your paycheck on groceries (Read: cigarettes and alcohol) . This lesson in frugality will serve you well.

11.    You’re going to betray your convictions. You’re going to feel shame. You’re going to continue to put yourself in situations that aren’t good for you. And then, slowly but surely, it will become less frequent. It might not ever go away completely but it won’t be as bad. In the meantime, stop shame spiraling about it. It gets you nowhere.

12.    Hating yourself is easy. Loving yourself is harder.
On the other hand, you will also soon realize that we talk about ourselves for the same reason we criticize others – TO FEEL GOOD. Promoting yourself and pulling down others also serve the same purpose. 2 sides of the same coin.

13.    You’re going to have people in your life who are toxic. They may say that they love you, they may say that they have your back, but they don’t. Get rid of them.

14.    You’ll have moments with someone that are so intense, it’ll feel like you’ve been electrocuted back to life. You’ll hold on to these moments for a long time. They’ll give you hope when you’re going through the motions.

15.    You’ll always care about your first love. That doesn’t make you crazy, it just makes you human. When relationships end, it’s not so cut and dry. You carry everyone you’ve ever loved into every relationship thereafter.

16.    You’ll enter your twenties as a fashion disaster and (hopefully) leave them looking fantastic. If you don’t know how to put yourself together by then, God help you. You’ll realize that the Internet can be a cruel son of a bitch but, you know, www.youdontgiveashit.com.

17.    So much of what you think matters doesn’t actually matter at all. It’s kind of rude isn’t it?

18.    You’ll treat someone terribly. Whether it to be a lover or your friend, there’ll be someone whose feelings you take for granted. We focus too much on whether or not someone is hurting us. The reality is that we might actually be the one who’s hurting someone.

19.    Doing “grown-up things” doesn’t make you a grown up. Shopping for housewares, buying a plant, embracing domesticity — these things don’t create maturity. If you’re still a baby who hasn’t figured things out, you’ll remain a baby, no matter how many times you pay your rent on time.

20.   Don’t force yourself into loving anyone. If it’s not working in the beginning, it’s probably not going to work ever.

21.    You are so lucky to have everything that you have. Stop crying about an unreturned text message and get some perspective.

22.   Don’t go too long without having sex. Ever. If fruitless, use your hands.

This is what our twenties are for — to feel and see as much as we can, to take advantage of not being tied down to anything and anyone and to go berserk with everything that we do. Make our own mistakes. We’re an unfinished piece. We hate getting upset over little things, about being constantly unraveled by ignored text messages, parents, grades, and friends, but we have to remember something: we don’t know ourselves entirely yet. Before the age of 20, we were mostly under our parents care, a reflection of what was going on around us. We didn’t have the liberty to make our own choices, our very own mistakes. We were merely living the life someone set out for you.  Being in our twenties allows us to start carving out the life we want for ourselves. Everything is on our terms now which seems daunting but is actually liberating. For the first time in our lives we’re the boss. Lets start dictating the terms.

It’s important to realise about why our 20s are great because it seems like we spend so much of our time wanting to be somewhere else other than where we are right now. Think about it. Why the hell are we in such a hurry to live some boring grown up adult life that we saw at a Restaurant or a Movie? Because once we do get there, we’re stuck for a long time. The novelty’s going to wear off, we’re going to get old and married and have babies, and everything will be amazing but don’t think for a second that you won’t be nostalgic for this time. We will miss being a mess.This is a luxury. It’s going to leave us eventually so we better freaking enjoy it. We better enjoy every lame ass party, every sloppy kiss, every 7 AM hangover, every drug experience, every crappy brawls, because one day it will all be gone and you’ll just be left with the pictures and the bruises and nothing else. Youth is fucking magic. Don’t you get it? Look at your skin! Touch it. Look at your chest hairs and stomach. Grab it. When you’re older, and no longer have bladder-control you’ll want all of this again so bad. It burns while you pee now; marvel in it.

We’re not stuck. Even if it feels like we are, it’s not true. We’re the opposite of stuck. As 20 somethings, we’re constantly moving — apartments, relationship, cities, jobs. Anything is possible. And the possibilities are endless, when you are young. We’re the new generation. What do you have to say? Don’t bite your tongue. One day you’ll be pushed aside for a younger “fresher” perspective so you better get it out now. Make a mark. Make a stain. Make something. Even a brilliant fart noise would do.

We should love every single moment of this hot mess of a decade. Chances are we’ll miss it before we even get to say “I’m 30.”