ME & BHAJJI

There’s something about Harbhajan Singh. Whether he’s dressing up in ugly jeans, making up fake doctorate degrees, slapping and kicking colleagues or just acting really weird and high, he manages to keep the public interested in whatever he’s doing. More than just an overhyped-player/Under-average student/Fashion-disaster/Wanabe-artist, ‘Bhajji’ has become famous for being Bhajji–a refreshing and necessary presence in today’s culture. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s super bindaas. It’s a known fact that turbaned bindaas people can get away with anything they want.

I was supposed to interview Harbhajan alongside Sreesanth/Symonds; but both of them had a bad stomach.
I entered his verandah where he is usually found eating puffed rice. But I was pleasantly surprised to see him naked doing yoga, with a Baba Ramdev DVD playing on television.

Me:  Hi Harbhajan. Thanks for meeting me.
Harbhajan Singh:  Sir.

Me:   Sorry ?
H.S : (Wrapping a towel around his waist); Sir Harbhajan, to you.

Me:  Err. Okay. Can I call you Bhajji ?H.S:  Saale, Bhya@#$^&*. Do I look like a fried dish to you ??!!

Me:  Okay, but others do call you the same. Anyways, can we get started ?
H.S :  Sure. Let me grab a beer. Btw, The nickname 'Turbanator' is cool. Makes me feel grand.

Me:  Why did you choose your career in Cricket?
H.S:  To lose my virginity.

Me:  (Dumbfounded), What ?!!
H.S:  Oh come on. I could never have trapped a hottie like Geeta Basra with conventional methods. Thanks to cricket, I am a celebrity. And I have sex every now and then. Wham-Bam, Thank you Ma’am.

Me:  Oh yeah, Geeta. She has quite a history with Emraan, with all those steamy-nude-kissing scenes. Doesn’t it bother you ?
H.S:  Hey Dickhead, if you get a chance to marry Angelina Jolie, wont you do it ? Or will you ask the same question to yourself ?

Me:  Fair enough. Now lets talk about that Symonds fiasco. Why and how did all that happen ?
H.S:  It just got blown out of proportion really. As a matter of fact, he and I are Chaddi-Buddies. We both are in Mumbai Indians now, we get along really well. Infact, we played Snake & Ladder yesterday. I let him win. :)

Me:  But why did all that racism incident happen ?
H.S:  You see, we were fooling around each other one day. He happened to ask me the Hindi version of “Dick”. Instantly, I spat out “Laura”. Was it my fault that his Swedish Girlfriend’s name was also Laura ?
One thing led to another and the rest is history.

Me: Hmmm. Now what about that Sreesanth slapping episode ?
H.S: Arrey yaar, that was nothing. The kid had sent a Non-veg joke to Nita Ambani, starring me.
And Nita had forwarded that same message to me as well. It was true yet insulting.

Me:  The one with Sania Mirza in it ?
H.S:  (Bewildered), Yes !! How did you know about that ?

Me:  Nevermind. It was heard that you were supposed to do a show called “Jhalak Dikhlaja”. But you were seen outside the “Movers & Shakers” studio ?
H.S:  Yes. Both true. The Jhalak people had already signed that nigger son-of-an-aunty (The word “Bitch” has been replaced here) Jayasuriya. And I was to be on Movers & Shakers. But the steroid guy-Shekhar, had invited his own son to his show. Kya bakhchodi he. God bless them.

Me: You lead the Mumbai Indians to 2011 Champions League 20-20 title, but fell out of favor with the national selectors. You were chosen in the squad against West Indies and were excluded from the Australian tour as well. Mumbai Indians won their first ever championship under your captaincy. MI won Champions league by 31 runs. You were adjudged ‘man of the match’ for your contribution as well. But didnt feature in the national team.
Why this Kolaveri ?
H.S: The Board is to blame here. All of this happened because I didn’t follow them on Twitter. But they didn’t like any of my Facebook Profile pictures either !!

Me:  (Smirking) Cant blame them for this. By the way, you are the second-highest wickest taker in Tests as an Off-Spinner, behind Muttiah Muralitharan and are famous for “Doosra”. You are/were/are also the captain of Mumbai Indians. Do you wish to captain the Indian team as well ?
H.S: I don’t like this question.

Me:  Any compliments from anyone, you will never forget ?
H.S:  I am still waiting for it. By God's grace Archana Puran Singh texts me on a weekly basis. So I am content.

Me:  You have been particularly successful against Australian batsman Ricky Ponting, taking his wicket on ten occasions in Test cricket. Your say on this ?
H.S : We have an understanding. I had voted for him whilst he was a presidential candidate for Australia.

Me: Vote! You-an Indian ?! And Ricky- President ?!
H.S: Hey, Justin Bieber is a rockstar; I voted Ricky. It’s a whacky world.

Me: Thank you Mr.Singh for your time. Anything you would like to say to our readers ?
H.S: Yes. I would like to send out a message to the people out there. Please stop googling “Geeta Basra- HOT/NUDE/SEX/KISS”. It is really embarrassing. And follow me on twitter to know more about my twirly chest hair. SAT-SRIYAKAL

AWESOME 20's

What we learn in our twenties:

1.       Your luck is like your morning potty. It’s down in the gutter.

2.       The rumors are true: your metabolism does slow down as you get older! That means if you’re still eating whatever you want, there’s a good chance you’ll start to gain an awkward amount of weight. It won’t be too drastic but your clothes will start to hang differently on your body and you’ll feel an overall feeling of unattractiveness. Now, haven’t you heard that before ?

3.       You’re going to lose touch with a lot of your friends. With some people, it will be expected but with others it will feel like a punch to the stomach (Read: Balls). No friendship is truly safe in your twenties. You’re undergoing so many personal and professional changes that there’s bound to be some casualties along the way. Don’t worry though. You’ll end up with the ones that matter. If someone’s no longer in your life, it’s for a reason.

4.       You’ll be jealous of everyone who’s more successful than you. That’s okay. It’s mundane.

5.       You’ll question every decision you make and never feel completely certain that you made the right choice. It’s pointless to wonder though. You’re here now so you might as well make it be the right decision.

6.       You’re going to give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it. Then, one day you’ll come to your senses and ask them to give it back.

7.       You’ll see your parents get older. You’ll come home during weekends and festivals and see new wrinkles developing on their faces. One day it’ll just hit you that your parents are old and going to die. There’s nothing you can do about it, besides treat them with kindness and visit as much as your budget and time permits.

8.      You’ll find yourself in an environment filled with people who make you feel like you’re nothing. Appreciation will be sorely missed.

9.       Doing drugs is fun until it’s not, until it starts affecting your life in negative ways and leaves you feeling guilty and wrecked.

10.   You’ll know how to make 200rs last an entire week because you spent almost all of your paycheck on groceries (Read: cigarettes and alcohol) . This lesson in frugality will serve you well.

11.    You’re going to betray your convictions. You’re going to feel shame. You’re going to continue to put yourself in situations that aren’t good for you. And then, slowly but surely, it will become less frequent. It might not ever go away completely but it won’t be as bad. In the meantime, stop shame spiraling about it. It gets you nowhere.

12.    Hating yourself is easy. Loving yourself is harder.
On the other hand, you will also soon realize that we talk about ourselves for the same reason we criticize others – TO FEEL GOOD. Promoting yourself and pulling down others also serve the same purpose. 2 sides of the same coin.

13.    You’re going to have people in your life who are toxic. They may say that they love you, they may say that they have your back, but they don’t. Get rid of them.

14.    You’ll have moments with someone that are so intense, it’ll feel like you’ve been electrocuted back to life. You’ll hold on to these moments for a long time. They’ll give you hope when you’re going through the motions.

15.    You’ll always care about your first love. That doesn’t make you crazy, it just makes you human. When relationships end, it’s not so cut and dry. You carry everyone you’ve ever loved into every relationship thereafter.

16.    You’ll enter your twenties as a fashion disaster and (hopefully) leave them looking fantastic. If you don’t know how to put yourself together by then, God help you. You’ll realize that the Internet can be a cruel son of a bitch but, you know, www.youdontgiveashit.com.

17.    So much of what you think matters doesn’t actually matter at all. It’s kind of rude isn’t it?

18.    You’ll treat someone terribly. Whether it to be a lover or your friend, there’ll be someone whose feelings you take for granted. We focus too much on whether or not someone is hurting us. The reality is that we might actually be the one who’s hurting someone.

19.    Doing “grown-up things” doesn’t make you a grown up. Shopping for housewares, buying a plant, embracing domesticity — these things don’t create maturity. If you’re still a baby who hasn’t figured things out, you’ll remain a baby, no matter how many times you pay your rent on time.

20.   Don’t force yourself into loving anyone. If it’s not working in the beginning, it’s probably not going to work ever.

21.    You are so lucky to have everything that you have. Stop crying about an unreturned text message and get some perspective.

22.   Don’t go too long without having sex. Ever. If fruitless, use your hands.

This is what our twenties are for — to feel and see as much as we can, to take advantage of not being tied down to anything and anyone and to go berserk with everything that we do. Make our own mistakes. We’re an unfinished piece. We hate getting upset over little things, about being constantly unraveled by ignored text messages, parents, grades, and friends, but we have to remember something: we don’t know ourselves entirely yet. Before the age of 20, we were mostly under our parents care, a reflection of what was going on around us. We didn’t have the liberty to make our own choices, our very own mistakes. We were merely living the life someone set out for you.  Being in our twenties allows us to start carving out the life we want for ourselves. Everything is on our terms now which seems daunting but is actually liberating. For the first time in our lives we’re the boss. Lets start dictating the terms.

It’s important to realise about why our 20s are great because it seems like we spend so much of our time wanting to be somewhere else other than where we are right now. Think about it. Why the hell are we in such a hurry to live some boring grown up adult life that we saw at a Restaurant or a Movie? Because once we do get there, we’re stuck for a long time. The novelty’s going to wear off, we’re going to get old and married and have babies, and everything will be amazing but don’t think for a second that you won’t be nostalgic for this time. We will miss being a mess.This is a luxury. It’s going to leave us eventually so we better freaking enjoy it. We better enjoy every lame ass party, every sloppy kiss, every 7 AM hangover, every drug experience, every crappy brawls, because one day it will all be gone and you’ll just be left with the pictures and the bruises and nothing else. Youth is fucking magic. Don’t you get it? Look at your skin! Touch it. Look at your chest hairs and stomach. Grab it. When you’re older, and no longer have bladder-control you’ll want all of this again so bad. It burns while you pee now; marvel in it.

We’re not stuck. Even if it feels like we are, it’s not true. We’re the opposite of stuck. As 20 somethings, we’re constantly moving — apartments, relationship, cities, jobs. Anything is possible. And the possibilities are endless, when you are young. We’re the new generation. What do you have to say? Don’t bite your tongue. One day you’ll be pushed aside for a younger “fresher” perspective so you better get it out now. Make a mark. Make a stain. Make something. Even a brilliant fart noise would do.

We should love every single moment of this hot mess of a decade. Chances are we’ll miss it before we even get to say “I’m 30.”

SORRY BABY

Dear Munupuuchuu/Shonaa/Dhana/Sweetie,

Baby, I’m really sorry about Valentine’s Day this year. I know I screwed up. The enthusiasm, excitement and spirit were all there, but I made some egregious errors in judgment. And for that, I apologize. I am really really reeeaaallllyyy sorry. I really hope we can get past this and enjoy the upcoming festivals with much fan-fare. But, just to be thorough, I wanted to specifically apologize for the following incidents..


I’m sorry I used an emoticon when I texted you yesterday morning. I was hoping you’d find it silly and cute, and I didn’t realize that it would immediately shrink my penis by several inches.

I’m sorry that when we were passionately cuddling on your bed I grabbed your waist and yelled, “Oooh, the curves are back!” I know it ruined the moment. I’m just really excited about the curves coming back. Look at Sonakshi Sinha ! Mallu Aunty :P

I’m sorry that I wear black underwear week in, week out. And that “Hard Rock” caption on the front was just a hoax. Nothing to worry about.
I’m sorry that I convinced you that “Superman” by Eminem was my most favorite song. That is not true. Also, heavy metal is not “considered the music of romance in my parent’s village.”

I’m sorry I stole your brother’s sandals. They are a thing of beauty at my place and a scarcity is being felt. I will replace them with my bathroom slippers. ASAP!


I’m sorry that I installed Norton-AntiVirus on your computer. I didn’t realize that it’s actually far more annoying and malicious than any virus could possibly be. You have to admire their audacity, though. I mean, they’re just shameless.


I’m sorry that I made you leave the restaurant before we finished eating so that we could get to the video store before it closed. Didn't mean to linger long at the adult section.

I’m sorry about the new nickname I came up with for you. I was just trying to be cute and adorable, and I swear that I’ve never heard that word used as a racial slur before.

I’m sorry that I didn’t want to watch it with you, but honestly, I just don’t like Pavitra Rishta. I’m not trying to diminish your enjoyment of it. But I’m just not a fan, okay? So stop looking at me like that. 

I’m sorry I kept staring at that girl at the mall. I mean, did you see the ass on her ?!! Errrrr.. Excuse me. I am losing it.


I’m sorry that all I got you for Valentine’s Day was Rs100 worth of Tata DOCOMO talktime. That was a mistake, both romantically and financially. If it makes you feel any better, my only other idea was to get you a fairness cream and a deodorant. And let me tell you, they are quite practical.
“No pasine ki badbuu” :) But then again, i don't think you stink. Sometimes it helps when you opt for sleeveless tops. Plus you too could have got me a Reduce Hair-fall Potion.

I’m sorry I used the “Valentine’s Day was created by greeting card companies” cliché as an excuse for my shoddy homemade card. However, this might have worked if I had given you a thoughtful handcrafted card instead of a rushed attempt at a sonnet written on the back of a Grocery receipt.

I’m sorry I kept yelling “Hoorah” while watching Pyaar Ka Punchnama.
Sorry I made you watch it in the first place. I know, all girls inclusive of you are angels.


Sorry I pushed you against that wall, but honey, please don't ever again make fun or speak ill of my football club. I know you can forgive me for these minor, yet cumulatively substantial blunders. You know I can do better. Stay excited.
                                                                                           Lovingly yours..

P.S - This piece is loosely based on real characters. Lohit Biswal , Rishul Matta and Anjan Mohapatra are some of the few. :) Love you guys. Leave a comment here.