All The Things I Did While Waiting For That Special SOMEONE To Call Me!

Now lets assume that this “someone” is a girl. Why woudnt it be, right ?!! And that girl is actually someone whom you miss. Whom I miss actually (READ : LIVE/BREATHE/LOVE)
Now lets get started.

Actually read my Facebook newsfeed for the first time in like two hours.

Smoked a cigarette.

Lay in the middle of my room staring at the ceiling as well as my cell.

Wished I had porn. Looked in the hard drive for some ‘moisturizing’ action without any fruit.

Absent mindedly pulled out a bunch of my hair. Thought, “Man, that’s gross.”
Worried about my over-increasing dandruff.

Looked at the clock  several dozen times. Checked Facebook to see if she had messaged me to change the time of our phone call. She was supposed to call an hour and 18 minutes ago. Or was she ?

Looked at goal.com for some exciting Transfer trivia !! Pop up ad froze my computer. Damn it.

Reopened some unknown tab with article on it, which I had opened about a week ago but couldn’t finish, still couldn’t finish, so navigated back to Shiladitya’s crass and amateurish blog.

Watched  an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S  i have seen 30 odd times. 
Chandler sure is a class act !

Two hours and counting.

High-fived with a yet another GOLD-FLAKE.

Turned on COLDPLAY.

Interestingly, my selection changed to Justin Bieber’s “THAT SHOULD BE ME” and then Bon Jovi’s “YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME”. Guess why ?
Story of my life- that’s why.

G-chatted with a girl I used to like but is “off-limits” now.

Two hours and 51 minutes. Cursed her in whispers for having not yet called.

Ate some chips. Apparently I am a stress eater.

Three hours, 13 minutes. Have not moved since those chips.

Received a text message from my adopted daughter, “DADDDDYYYY!!  What are you upto” Responded with non-sequitur, “She hasn’t called yet but I’m blogging about it.” Talked to her for a while. Always cheers me up . :)

Okay so technically she was like, “TTYL” and I was like, “Yeah sure” and then she was like, “Okay”. Doesn’t TTYL mean “ I will call you ASAP ?? Or “cant wait to hear your voice soon enough” ?? May be its just me.

Opened Word. Found a horrifyingly embarrassing blog draft that I must have written drunk. Saw something embarassing and minimized it instantly.

Hit the Facebook home page again. Boring people online.

Closing in on 5 hours. Shoot me.

Okay that’s a lie, it’s only been four hours and 48 minutes but I am desperate.
I, myself could have called her. But how needy do I want to seem ?

Fished for an another cigarette in my bagpack. Empty.
Looked at the floor to find 6-8 butts staring back at my exasperated expression.
Why hasn’t she called yet ??

Went to the nearest tea shop of Bullu’s. Of course I had my cell with me.
Laughed at my friends’ lame jokes. Took a dig at a junior for being a REAL MADRID fan.
Laughed  off Indian Cricket Team’s dismal performance in Australia.

Placed a bet on Djokovic to win the Australian Open. Checked my cell again.
Ass itchy-Outrageous messages from customer care.

I came back. 6 hours and 10 odd minutes. That’s it. I have had it !! I am calling her up.

Naaw , lets just send her a casual breezy sms.

Be right back fellas. Laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

The DUDE-Alert !

We live in the era of facebook, don’t we ? Now I had to post this, because of this following incident.

I am in a temple.
A guy clad in jeans comes up to the shopkeeper to buy a coconut to offer to the deity.
“Dude !! Do naariyal dena, phata phat !!”

I mean , since when do we call our dukaan daars “DUDE” ??
The time isn’t far away when we start addressing our teachers and in-laws as “DUDE”s !
This has got to stop ! Period.

So I have come up with a bunch of rules that re-define the word DUDE.
We all do possess the discretion of excelling at tangentially diverse fields ranging from preaching, flirting, sleeping, killing time, criticizing to swearing! But which of us are actually entitled to be called as DUDEs ?? Knock yourself out.

1)     Any student guy whose resume ends, before it begins like the chest of a 30B sized girl,(who actually has no right to live), is a DUDE.

2)     All guys who have been dumped, frustrated and screwed- be it by their own fate or close friends, are DUDEs.

3)     Any guy who has a chick along side him in his facebook profile pic is a DUDE.
( if the chick is seen kissing a different guy in HER profile pic, even that guy is a DUDE.)
*Not applicable if the chick has silicon implants.

4)     Basically a DUDE is a person, whom you can trust, will always be there for you unless he is watching girl on girl porn.

5)     All guys with less than 6 likes on their facebook profile pics are eligible to be DUDEs.
*Not applicable if you like your own pic.
Example – LENIN MISHRA, RAJA RANJIT BAL, NISHAN GANTAYAT bhai.

6)     Even if you don’t have a single like on your profile pic, you are a DUDE.
Example – PRATEEK CHAND bhai.
* your gf’s like doesnt count.

7)     Your dad, granddad are all DUDEs. Your roommate isn’t.

8)     If you have been watching CID on Sony TV , and are a fan of ACP Pradyuman, you are a DUDE.

9)     Anyone who buys you free stuff and pays for your beer is a DUDE.
Example- APRATIM SAHA bhai & ACHYUT MOHANTY bhai

10)  Any fellow gooner is a DUDE. And so are all the guys, who play FIFA Multiplayer with you, week in-week out.
Example – ANURAG NANDA & ASHIRWAD NAYAK.

11)  If you fart, and before admitting to it , you accuse 5 other DUDEs , you are a DUDE.
*If you smell your own fart and think it smells better than PARK AVENUE, you aren’t a DUDE.

12)  If you are a loser at hitting at girls, and if a day spent with your rear on a bike, neck turning like an owl or a radar – pointing towards any hot chick in sight, is a day well spent according to you, you are a DUDE.
Example – SIDDHARTH SHILADITYA , ABHISEK MOHANTY, SUSMIT S. PANDA, SANJAY BEHERA.

13)  If you happen to possess a bitch named CANNON, you are a DUDE.
Example – PRAMIT PANDA & ME. :P

14)  There comes a time in the affairs of man, when he must take the bull by the tail and not thorn. Such men are DUDEs.

15)  If you wear black year in – year out , you are a DUDE.
Example – LOHIT BISWAL bhai.
* if its pink , you need a sex change operation.

16)  The beautifulness degree of a girl is three fold.
a) the ones we would stare at and shag until we are all blue and frothing.
b) the ones we would bring home to meet mom.
c) the ungettable ones – the ones of whom we can like only their FB pics. Refer to @.
If a guy know this, he is a DUDE. Example – ANURAG MOHANTY bhai and SAMPAD KUMAR PANDA bhai.

17)  You aren’t a DUDE if,
-If you fancy a girl , and you end up being her “RAAKHI” brother.
-if you have a bad case of acne on your face.
-if you have no bowel control.
-if you still listen to BRITNEY SPEARS.
-if you are balding early (refer to my mouthwatering article for this - http://www.vivek-spitsitout.blogspot.com/2011/12/hairy-new-year.html)
-if you apply talcum powder on your face or use a fairness cream.
-if you don’t wash your hands and legs after you finish your potty.
-if you are a REAL MADRID, LIVERPOOL or MAN CITY fan.
-if you are from Rourkela.

18)  You are definitely a DUDE if you loan someone money, and then forget.

19)  Anyone who always laughs at all your jokes, is a DUDE.

20)  And FINALLY , everyone who comments on this blog is a DUDE ! J