THE FOURTH YEAR – A hosteller’s guide to survive the last two semesters, amidst all the placement/exam drama.

Wake up and immediately think to yourself, “I’m going to get hammered tonight.” Help yourself to a cigarette. Doesn’t matter if it’s 6am or 10am. You shall skip your classes anyway. What do they teach us anyway? Go through the day repeating this thought throughout your menial tasks. Think about what you have to do tomorrow or the day after and reassure yourself, “I’m going to get wasted tonight.” Abash anyone who tries to oppose you or re-influence you. You’re getting drunk as a skunk tonight and no-one can stop you.

Keep the amount of money required to buy alcohol, ready before-hand. If you don’t have it, invite your other friends. Ask them to finance your drinking-session for the night. Annhilate their room if they refuse. Finish infinitesimal responsibilities(read : formalities) and crack open a beer as soon as you get back to your room. Or you can take a trip to your nearest liqour shop and glutton your drink there. Relish the first gulp. Relish the second. Finish the beer and open another. Switch on your phone and play tracks from Pink Floyd or Honey Singh or Coldplay you downloaded from god-knows-what yesterday. Wait – your cell is already on? You are an asshole. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR PHONE SWITCHED OFF. It gives you a sense of superiority. Never return phone-calls. Never text back. None of them matter. None except your parents. Realize it’s only 6:30 and you’re already pretty buzzed. Decide to slow down so you can keep drinking later. Light that god-damn cigarette now.

Get back to your ‘adda’/room. Your roommate/friend comes over 20 minutes later and asks if you want to start drinking. Keep smoking. Ignore the fact that you have been already and oblige. Decide to consume it slow. Still. Abandon this decision when your roommate/friend insults you for drinking slowly. Challenge them to a “Who Can Drink More” contest. Finish your case. Wait, are you short on cash? Then don’t.

After consuming your victory, loudly, demand it is time to go out and speak to your other friends. Feel like you are losing your buzz by the time you get to them. By hook or by crook, make sure you lay your hands on more alcohol. You need it. Hell- you promised yourself to get hammered today and you can’t go back on your word. What will the society think? What will the non-smokers/ non-drinkers think? There’s more cigarettes right? Somehow, manage to find a beer-financer. Order another. (Ordering can mean anything – Beer delivery service, getting your non-drinking friends to bring you your alcohol, getting them yourself)

Finish it and insist there is very little alcohol in it and order another.

If any of the following occurs, you got too drunk: vomiting, peeing on yourself, blacking out, getting drawn on, drooling while conscious, fighting with someone you usually get along with, crying in public, falling and requiring medical attention, creating a scene out on the street and getting arrested.

If you’re really drunk but haven’t crossed the line, feel free to do so. Start going up to all your friends and realize they are not as drunk as you are. Feel different. Shout. Use big words. Swear words. Feel upset. Don’t feel ashamed. Feel betrayed. Finish your drink and order another. See that one person who you wished you would never see again. Come back to your ‘adda’ and light a cigarette. Do give away some cigarettes to that friend who surprisingly pops into your room asking for a smoke. Reminiscence about the early years of your college-life. Blame the college and it’s profs for your academic stagnation. Blame the system. Always blame the system. You’re not going to be a millionaire, neither a rockstar nor the PM of the country. You lack the diligence that’s required. Get pissed off. Laugh out loud when some-one points out the fact that graduation is a few months away. It’s 12-am already. Finish your drink and order another. Think about going up and saying something to aforementioned person. Fuck it. You can’t leave your adda where you and your friends are having a ‘gala’ time. Don’t leave. You shouldn’t. Reach for your cigarette packet. If there’s just one, don’t light it. You’re gonna need it in the morning.

Wake up. Wonder where you are. Realize you are in your room. Have no idea how you got there. Wake your room-mate up. Light that cigarette.

Think to yourself, “I’m going to get wasted tonight.” If you’re again short on cash, try weed. Or better – try getting into debt. It’s a brilliant concept.