I NEED A WOMAN

I am a normal person. I have never starved for food. Never struggled for anything. Never slept on the footpath/railway station.
My parents aren’t divorced. They are still alive, very much happily working on their marriage. Unlike Chandler Bing, my mom isn’t an adult novel writer nor is my dad-gay.
I wasn't sexually harassed or molested in my childhood days. I am not adopted. Nor was I conceived in a test tube. I wasn’t a medical marvel either. I had a safe birth. I am my parent’s only biological child. I had a safe puberty. I never got into any kind of street brawls nor was I ever beaten up by anyone.
Never met with an career-ending accident nor had a life threatening disease. I don’t have cancer like SRK had in Kal Ho Na Ho, nor have any other kind of sympathetic tumour. I eat a banana only after peeling its skin off. I pay a visit to Naughty America on a semi-regular basis. Every time I see a woman, my eyes wander to her assets first. I haven’t watched all the movies, listened to the songs, read all those books which I claimed to have seen, listened or read.

So basically all I am saying is, I have had a normal, straight from the text-book life until now.
Abnormally normal. I eat sane things, shop from the same over-priced shops. Relationships/Marriages are not made on orgasms; but break, due to lack of them. So I masturbate on a cannot-disclose basis.
So how come a good person like me gets screwed all the time? Don’t I deserve out-of-the-blue good things? Don’t I deserve a girl/woman (Hot one) who finally reciprocates my love ? The one who will climax at the same time? The one who will watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S with me? One who doesn’t kisses a frog and waits for it to turn into a Prince, because she will rather kiss me. 

I may not be as cute as these guys. But consider me as a bit of both – A cross, if you will.

So, how come a decent/Ok-Ok types looking/ guy like me is a victim of bad experiences ?
Before I go declaring publicly, that I need someone who has the free license to touch my genitalia, take a look at this survey.

#Total Population : 6,975,486,910 (I know, I know -- that’s a huge number, right? Included in this number are more women that you can possibly handle in one lifetime.)
#Total number of women: 3,435,871,042
#Women who are active online: 1,037,633,054 ( Digital Age Lovestories)
#Women who are on Facebook: 145,367,749 (You can’t really date a woman using Blogspot, now can you?)
#Women who are active on Facebook: 33,723,074
#Women aged between 18 to 34: 15,500,056 (Below 18 is illegal territory and over 34 is, well — stuff on which romcoms about middle aged people are made. Plus, women in their 30s are more sexier. #Fact)
#Women who are single: 7,275,235
(Women in this age bracket are rarely single, and even if they are — your chances are more often than not nullified by the usual defensive disposition: “I have a boyfriend.” Which is just a polite way of saying that she’s not into you.)
#Subtracting benefit of doubts: 275325
#Women who are willing to cast their eye on you(Most probably): 5

         So, you see, it’s a pretty tough job. Locating potential spouses and pataoing them. I am tired of searching and tired of my past failures with women. I have devised a method, where everyone wins.

After much thinking, I have decided to allow women at large to apply to be my girlfriend. There are quite a few reasons why I’m going this way instead of the usual become-friends-start-flirting-then-get-drunk-and-have-sex-then-become-a-couple-to-avoid-awkwardness routine. I’m not going to dilute my awesomeness by telling you why you need to apply either. Ladies, if you’re here, you know you want to. Okay, now that the pleasantries are out-of-the-way, let’s get down to business.

#    Open a Word 2010 document

#    Enter your name, phone number, date of birth (please attach birth certificate as required), and place of birth

#    List down your previous relationships in reverse chronological order

#    Include a page which lists your financial standing, including assets, liabilities, liquid cash, and future   earning potential

#   Write a 500 word essay on why you are a potential candidate

#   Make sure the design and formatting of the document is clean, appealing and minimalistic

#   Send said document (duly filled) to my e-mail address listed in my home page, expect delays for I’ll obviously be overloaded by the sheer number of applications.
#  If your body description states 30B, or less, LEAVE THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY.
(Even Ricky Ponting had declared in his ads – “Bada he, toh behtar he”)
#  Send in your photographs attached to the documents. With your best looking attire. No push-up Bras please. Its like a bag of chips : You open it and its half empty. So original photos with no Photoshop work.

    So there you have it, may the best woman win. Will be replying to your mails soon.

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